Reflective

Sitting In first class, I'm writing this on my plane heading back to Seattle and back to reality.

I know I haven't written in a while. I guess I have been trying to figure out what to do with the blog. When I first started writing back in 2007 (wow that seems like forever ago), I wasn't sure how long I would write or what it would lead to.

I remember when I would be so excited to write a post and shared the sordid details of a date, an event or something salaciously to share with you readers. It gave me the rush and high that maybe most writers have knowing people are interested in what you have to say.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what I want to say anymore.... Maybe for the last two years I have been less vocal and more vague about what I have been up to. From getting into Relationship, said relationship ending, my mom getting brain cancer, the Ex threatening to kill me and my mom passing away, I've felt so broken.

Mind, body and spirit.

Even now when I think about things, occasional tears stream down my face because it all becomes so overwhelming. Everyone wants to believe they can conquer it all, and it's only until you're shaken to the core that you'll feel differently.

And that's just it. I'm different now. I had such vigor and excitement go out and meet new guys, go on dates and see what the next adventure would bring. Ad it was the anonymity of it all that was the cherry on top. It was all so thrilling. And I guess that's why it seemed so hard to I've it up when I was with the Ex.

I was the CL Dating Whore. But I guess that's not me anymore. I'm much more timid and unwilling to commit to a lot of things. I don't like big crowds or being the center of attention as much. I concentrate on school, art and building my portfolio (which looks lovely, btw). Don't get my wrong, I still go on dates. But I wonder when I smile if someone also notices how sad I have been.

I've tried to hide it and try to move on. For most of my friends, I try not to talk about my feelings anymore. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer. I guess not all about the past me is gone. I never talked much about my feelings then either. But now I just try to act happy and functional. Because really, who wants to be around the sad girl?