Spidey Senses

Due to my self destructive nature at the recent moment, I have come to the realization that A and I are fizzling out. About three months ago we started dating and hanging out. And things had been going well up till I left for Boston, but when I came back, it was different. And I seem to be blown off more and more. we're not exclusive so he would totally be seeing someone else. But I'd like to at least be told this rather than just be dissed and dismissed.

This could all be in my head, but my spidey senses are tingling.

I slept with E the other night. Immediately I regretted the decision. And it was pretty much my fault. I realize I have no good judgement when I'm around him. I eat shitty food. I make shitty decisions. And he's not a good person. As I write this post, I'm making a disgusted look on my face. I'm actually trying to work on a paper in the library. Hopefully I don't freak anyone out. LOL

But yes, this just adds to my self destructive path I am on right now. And it's weird that I can't seem to make the right decisions to change direction. But the more I analyze myself, the more questionable things I do. It is what it is. I suppose I will have to let it ride out.

In terms of E, I was trying to pretend it didn't exist and that I would just forget that it happened. But while on fn he sends me a message.

"i had fun the other night. i hope it was good"

Le sigh. There was at one point a time when I really liked him, but now just think it's kind of sad and pathetic for him to need the gratification of knowing he was good. When I read it, I just rolled my eyes and became irritated. I hope he doesn't think that this is will be an ongoing thing. In fact, I needed to be straight up and tell him i didn't want to do that again.

The more I have gotten to know E. I have come to realize how insecure he really is. He's one of those guys who needs the attention of multiple women to feel better. And what's worse is he explains it's because his ex-wife cheated on him 7 years ago and he can't be true to one girl. Kinda wish I was told this when he and I were seeing one another. I would have bailed right away. Letting out your insecurities is fine and dandy, but I doubt many people think it's attractive. It's just awkward to hear them. And for me, I don't know what to say. So pretty much I deflect as much as possible. I'm not about to let out mine. It's not a you share, I share moment. I still think confidence is the most attractive quality. Doesn't mean you have to be an asshole, but it does mean you have faith in yourself. So many guys lack this and I find it quite boring.

Self Destruct

I've been on a self destructive binge. Not sure what was the catalyst, but it's become more of a constant thing for the past week or two.... I've tried to semi-explain things to my friends, but no one really seems to understand the feeling.

Been in text as of late with long time blogger, friend and confidant. It seems he's the only person who can fully get it. And perhaps that's what I want. Just for someone to get it. No pressure, no explaining. So for that, I'm grateful.

As for now, I'm about to get ready for a post-holiday party inspired by the classic movie, Party Monster. If you don't know what it is, look it up. And I just realized how fitting this party is with my decisions for the moment. Ha.

Boston Weekend Recap

*Warning: Long post of ramblings

My performance was fun and I even made $20 in donations from the cover. I was a little nervous at first, but got into my groove after a while. It's crazy that I just started writing poetry just a year ago. You readers know I've been writing for years on here. But I don't usually perform what I write here. So being able to perform and share has been fun. And I guess I'm a national poet now? A lot of people came up to me afterward telling me I did a good job. Even this cute Asian (I'm assuming Filipino) guy came up to me. Wish I got his digits or fb. Haha!

Hung out with HELLA friends.

I had a long list of people I wanted to hang out with for my long weekend. A lot of them were people I met at a conference we all attended in Seattle. So it was nice for them to show me around town. And there were other friends who moved out to Boston. But overall, I spent a lot of time with good people. There was lots of shopping (I even thought of A and got him a gift), LOTS of drinking and lots of laughter. What more could I have asked for?

I ended up seeing Boston….. eventually

After he said I couldn't stay with him, I was a little disappointed. But I still hoped that he would want to see me. Since I had a lot of things planned for the weekend, I texted Boston here and there asking what he was up to, or if he wanted to meet up. But he didn't. I got the sense that he was avoiding me which was probably the case. I don't really know why I kept trying to see if he wanted to see me. I just was irked.

On one of the last nights I was in town, I met up with an old coworker who now lives in Boston. We met up at this bar in Brookline. Immediately when I stepped off the train, I recognized the area. I remembered that Boston lived in Brookline, but I didn't remember what the road or intersection he lived at. But once I got off the train, I knew he lived a block away.

I went into the bar to meet my friends. Earlier in the day texted Boston one last time telling him i'd me at such and such bar at this time. He said he might be available but has to go for a run, watch football and clean his apt. Wow. Glad I know his priorities. By the time I got to the bar, he texted me saying he'd stop by for a drink.

As he walked into the door, all the feelings I had for him rushed to my head. I remembered the last time I saw him. And deep down wished it would be the same. But instead, the next few hours were completely awkward. For the most part, I think my friends enjoyed meeting him and talking to him. But I just felt weird. I was thinking about Boston and thinking about A. So I probably seemed distracted.

Later Boston suggested going to his place and/or getting dinner and hanging out. He then said he'd take me back to my hotel so I wouldn't have to spend money on a cab. It was thoughtful, but I was still skeptical at his thoughtfulness. We got to his apt and it was the same as before. Unlike before when we went directly to his bedroom, we spent the evening in his living room. He watched a football game and we ordered food in. And that was it, nothing happened. I don't know if I expected something to happen, but I wouldn't have rejected it.

On the ride back to my hotel, it was kind of an awkward moment (Not like all of the other moments with him were that easy). But I asked him about the girl he was seeing. What she was like, if they had fun together, etc. I probably shouldn't have asked, but I was curious. He then asked about A. Our answers to one another were vague and aloof. Since Boston and I have had feelings for one another and we have awkward sexual tension/chemistry, it's so hard to talk about the people we are dating. What usually happens is either one of us or both of us are dating someone and we don't talk. But then when we become single, we end up talking more.

That's the pattern he and I have. It's dysfunctional and weird. But I just can't seem to let it/him go. As for right now, he's seeing someone and so am I. It is what it is.

Man up, Boston

So I'll be in Boston this weekend. However, I don't know if I will be seeing Boston while I'm there. Turns out he has a new lady in his life. And she would get mad/jealous if I stayed with him. When I called a confirmed that I was able to stay with him, I just got the run around.

"I don't know"

"Maybe"

"Well I'm seeing someone now…."

I just called him out. "If I can't stay with you, say so. I need to know so I can get my shit organized before I leave. Yes or no?"

The answer was more like "Well it's awkward X. I've been seeing this girl and she's kinda jealous…. So I don't know what to do."

"Ok so you're telling me I can't stay with you. Got it."

I totally get that he is considering this girl's feelings, but I just think it's stupid he wasn't just honest about it. I just need to know where I'm going to sleep. AND I wasn't told this until less than a week before I'm supposed to be there. WTF! I ended up splurging and getting a hotel. So I'll be able to do my own thing, but I'm a little irritated that he didn't let me know sooner. And if he didn't want to have sex, I wouldn't have forced him. I'm still respectful. FUCK!

With this slight mishap, I'm not going to let this ruin my trip. I have my weekend plans made including performing at an art show, drinking, singing at a norae bang and seeing some art. Overall, it sounds like an awesome weekend with or without seeing Boston (the guy, not the city).

Eye Opening

I met with E for lunch. He has been going through a hard time and has been sad/depressed. Even if we aren't dating and things have gone bad and awkward, I still care for his well-being. So I went to visit him during his lunch. Also, I guess his lunch lasts for 3 hours because I was there hanging out with him and catching up.

He and I chat on FB, but don't hang out in person. Partly due to the fact that I still have a bit of resentment towards him, but because I'd rather spend my time with the new guy (A, yes that will be his nickname). So today was a chance to cheer E up and hang out for a bit.

As I've written before, E and I have had a weird relationship. I was very much into him while we dated and then strung along by him while he had a gf. I know I know. I shouldn't be talking to him, but he was there for me when I felt like my world was crashing around me. So even if he did me wrong, I still felt compelled to talk to him and see if I could be there for him. Perhaps I'm too nice.

But the conversation between him and I went in a strange direction. He seemed to be very interested in my relationship (budding relationship) with A. E seems to be very interested in A and asks about him almost every time we chat. I had always guessed that he was jealous, but it was confirmed today when E admitted it to me.

He asked me if we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend and I adamantly said NO. Not that he wouldn't be a good boyfriend, I just don't think I can handle a boyfriend right now….. Or maybe I don't know what I want. But the rest of our "lunch" was him telling me that it was so hard to get to know me. And that I would never open up while E and I dated. and he always thought I was not as interested in him as he was into me.

I was dumbfounded. Although the conversation is moot now. This was an eye opening point to make to me. I know I keep myself as guarded, but never had anyone told me that it kept them from wanting to be in a relationship with me. He also then kept prying about A. And concluded that I must really like A. And I should tell him how I feel before I do the same thing I did with E.

Dammit, but E knows me too well.

In the movies/tv and even other blogs, I've read that girls who are too aggressive about talking about their feelings and about relationship status' are not desired. But E said that's what he wanted from me. Have I been conditioned to be too aloud and apathetic for my own good?

Boston State of Mind

I've been asked to come to Boston to perform some poetry for an art show. I have been looking for a place to visit since I have credit on Alaska from a trip I ended up canceling. So when a friend mentioned I should come to Boston to perform, my decision was made.

I hadn't planned on going back to Boston this soon. But I'm def looking forward to it. Perhaps I can have another carefree moment with Boston (the person and city).

A Domestic Day

I'm sitting in his apartment doing homework while he's doing chores and cleaning. And we're both listening to a Spotify playlist I made.

How much more Seattle hipster can I get?

Make Out Sesh

One of the most romantic things to me is when you're about to kiss someone and they grab your face. Not with both hands, but as you both lean in, he reaches to you and grabs your face and slightly pulls you into the kiss.

So hot.

Maybe not everyone likes it, but for me….. ugh so good. It's just the hottest thing to me. It's intense and romantic and to me, the perfect way to begin a hot make out session.

Needless to say me and this guy are still seeing one another.

Dating Again?

UPDATE

I've been on some dates with this guy. He's smart, artistic and fun to be around. Nothing like E or the Ex. I actually really like this guy.

Strange this is, he and I have not slept together yet. The times we have hung out, it just didn't seem like the right time. And when there could have been some hot and heavy action, he wanted to stop and that we would see one another again so there's no need to rush. No one had ever said that to me, or at least I can't remember.

It was refreshing to hear that. Weird. Well weird for me anyways.

Stay tuned

Positive Reinforcement

I recently attended a conference where I was asked to read/perform some poetry. I have have done this a handful of times, but nothing too serious. I don't consider myself a spoken word artist. I don't think I have the right style for it.

Pretty much, I write what I feel. I do that in the blog and also what I write for poems. Since I don't write (poems) very often, I had to create some work that would be appropriate for this event. And I was incredibly nervous. In general, my confidence is not what it used to be.

But after i performed, I received great feedback. Some I moved to tears. Other just liked how I wrote from the heart. And many urged me to write more. I admit, it's def nice to know people liked my work. I mean, who doesn't like to be appreciated? So perhaps this will be a nice push to urge me to write again/more. If anything, this is a positive reinforcement of what I already knew.

I just love to write and express myself.

It's just good to know someone listens.

Boston

I actually meant to post this sooner, but I got caught up in things at home.

My weekend vacation was nice. The highlight was getting to see Boston, the city and the person. I know I have written about him before. And his code name was Boston for the obvious and unclever reason that he lives there. LOL It was so nice to see him. The last time I saw him was when he was in Seattle in 07 maybe?... But it had been a while. When I planned to go to the east coast I called him asking if I could come visit. And of course he said yes. But I have to admit, the brief moment of walking off the plane to see him standing in baggage claim waiting for me, I was nervous. But when we hugged, I felt better. Immediately I was smiling and excited to be in a new city and see cute guy.

I was ready to see the city and enjoy my time with him. As we drove away from the airport, we hit a pot hole! Ahh!!! It was a slight detour to the day, but he changed the tire and we were on our way for a day of site seeing and fun.

Boston and I went all over the city by car and by train. I got to see some great exhibits at the Institute of Contemporary Art. There was one exhibit featuring vinyl records that was really cool. Since he had a spare tire on, ended up taking the T Train to see some of the city and experience the public transportation. It wasn't that bad. Oh and we also got to eat tasty food too. Yum!

In one day, it felt like we had walked all over the city of Boston. I was definitely pooped out when we got to his apartment. He and I showered (separately) and then got ready for bed. We cuddled while watching the Food Network and it just felt like to be close to him and have his arms around me. I guess I missed feeling that sort of intimacy with someone.

We've known one another for some time and he's always been there. Even if we went for months without talking, it would feel the same talking to him. Through all the crazy shit, I could call him up and just cry. He didn't mind and just wanted to be there for me. I don't know if any of you do this, but he and I will just call one another up to fall asleep. You might throw in some good phone sex too. We might talk for a little, but just sleep. I guess it's comforting to know there's someone on the other side of the line sleeping with you.

Thankfully, I didn't need to call him since we were next to one another. And we didn't need to have phone sex. I got to have the real deal. And it was everything I expected it to be :D Hey, even if I'm a different person, I still like sex. But I think it was better with Boston because there were feelings and history attached.

In the morning, I was bummed I had to get on a plane and leave. But so happy I got to spend time with him. My feelings for him have been off and on since we met. We've both been in relationships while we've known one another and still continue to be friends….or whatever. He def means a lot to me to get to spend time with him was a long time coming.

Seeing him was the highlight of my east coast trip. And since coming back to Seattle, I've been more upbeat. I don't know if it was him or the trip in gen. But I'm def feeling like I'm FINALLY in a better place.

I hope to visit Boston again.

Reflective

Sitting In first class, I'm writing this on my plane heading back to Seattle and back to reality.

I know I haven't written in a while. I guess I have been trying to figure out what to do with the blog. When I first started writing back in 2007 (wow that seems like forever ago), I wasn't sure how long I would write or what it would lead to.

I remember when I would be so excited to write a post and shared the sordid details of a date, an event or something salaciously to share with you readers. It gave me the rush and high that maybe most writers have knowing people are interested in what you have to say.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what I want to say anymore.... Maybe for the last two years I have been less vocal and more vague about what I have been up to. From getting into Relationship, said relationship ending, my mom getting brain cancer, the Ex threatening to kill me and my mom passing away, I've felt so broken.

Mind, body and spirit.

Even now when I think about things, occasional tears stream down my face because it all becomes so overwhelming. Everyone wants to believe they can conquer it all, and it's only until you're shaken to the core that you'll feel differently.

And that's just it. I'm different now. I had such vigor and excitement go out and meet new guys, go on dates and see what the next adventure would bring. Ad it was the anonymity of it all that was the cherry on top. It was all so thrilling. And I guess that's why it seemed so hard to I've it up when I was with the Ex.

I was the CL Dating Whore. But I guess that's not me anymore. I'm much more timid and unwilling to commit to a lot of things. I don't like big crowds or being the center of attention as much. I concentrate on school, art and building my portfolio (which looks lovely, btw). Don't get my wrong, I still go on dates. But I wonder when I smile if someone also notices how sad I have been.

I've tried to hide it and try to move on. For most of my friends, I try not to talk about my feelings anymore. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer. I guess not all about the past me is gone. I never talked much about my feelings then either. But now I just try to act happy and functional. Because really, who wants to be around the sad girl?

A Getaway

I've been busy with school, design/art work and some dates.

But I'm excited to report that I will be going away for the weekend. I'll be heading to the east coast to hang with some friends and just take some me time. From DC to Boston, I'll be in the area. Maybe you'll find me running around.

Hooray!

Somebody's Watching Me

Since I deleted this blog (now it's undeleted), the Ex has decided to find me on OK Cupid and frequently check back.

Unfortch, there's nothing I can do about it, protection order and all. I could delete the profile, but he'd end up finding me again. He always does. Always. Wah wah.

Dark Clouds Looming

Been feeling a bit somber as of late. My grandfather passed away last weekend. So I have been feeling more depressed, tired, restless and down.

I worry for my dad.

Stumble Upon

With my airline credit burning a hole in my pocket, I've been thinking about where I should go for a trip. The obvious destination is somewhere in California, more specifically the Bay Area or LA. Both places I enjoy, lots to do and I have friends to chill with in either place. However, the Ex also lives in LA. And I don't really want to run into him (what are the odds?). I've been wanting to go to The Getty and some other museums. But I don't know how relaxing it will be if I feel like I'm on the lookout….

So while I was looking on my Google Calendar for possible vacation dates, I stumbled upon an event I had never seen before. I don't use it that much so it was odd to have an event I didn't know about. Or maybe I forgot about it…

It was titled, Wedding.

Was I supposed to go to a wedding? Who's getting married? I really didn't remember putting wedding in the calendar. So I clicked on the event to see what the details were and immediately my throat drop down into my stomach.

My Ex made an event for a wedding. I remember having conversations about the two of us getting married. This was when we had good conversations and weren't fighting. We discussed when and where it would be. At the time, it was exciting to think about it. But now, it just made me feel ill.

I don't know when the event was made or if he even knew it wasn't deleted. But it made me feel uneasy. I thought I had tossed/deleted most of the things concerning him. So I was surprised to see this. It was actually an event invitation.

Will you be attending The Ex and Dater's Wedding?

Yes, No, Maybe?

Ugh. Just thinking about it now bothers me. And makes me a little sad. Whenever I think about him I always have mixed feelings; concern, care, resentment and fear. Feeling this way really does suck. I should be over all of this. But then I get to thinking about what it would have been like if we were still together when my mom got sick. Would things have been different? Would we still be in a toxic relationship? Would we have worked things out? Would he still go crazy and threaten me for something else? All of this because of a stupid event in a calendar. It all makes me anxious and panicky.

I've been given pills to help with this overwhelming anxiety and calm down. Bottoms up.

The Other Other Girl

I couldn't help it and ended up texting E one night. It was a pretty blunt and to the point.

Let's have sex!

We had agreed to be friends the last time we saw one another. He mentioned how he was still attracted to me and that hadn't changed even if we broke things off. So in my weak state, I knew if I suggested sex he would want to.

And he did.

What followed were texts and IMs filled with sexual innuendos and temptations. I knew it probably wasn't the smartest thing to suggest. But man, I just wanted to get fucked. Don't you ever feel like you just need to have that fulfilled? And it was my logic that I would rather do it with someone I had been involved with before than with a stranger on CL. Granted, it's questionable whether or not I should have suggested this to someone who I had feelings for. But hey, what's done is done.

There's just one thing. When we talked about the possibility to getting together, he mentioned he was dating someone exclusively. It's actually the girl he picked instead of me. So on one hand, I didn't want her to get hurt. But on the other, I wanted to know if E and I had chemistry still. I felt there was something.

So we came over with the premise that I would cook dinner. I actually had a lot of food that was going to go bad. And I have wanting to cook more at home, so it was a win win. And I love cooking for other people.

Dinner was good. He seemed to really enjoy it and complimented me on my coking skills. I put the dishes into the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. Immediately after I sat down next to him, he and I were kissing and groping one another. The chemistry was still there, or at least the lust was. I forgot how much he knew me and what turned me on.

Things quickly moved to the bedroom. All of this was strangely familiar and in the heat of the moment, it felt amazing. The sex was very good, like back arching grabbing the sheets good. And he even wanted to cuddle afterwards.

We continued to talk and his dating status came up. I don't think I expected him to say "I want to be with you and not her" but I did wonder what he was thinking about what had just transpired. I came to the conclusion that he's going to continue seeing her and wants to keep me on the "side."

Now, I am no stranger to being the "other" girl. But I did not know about it going into the situation. I found out after the fact or decided to end things. I even had someone's wife call me once. I had NO idea this guy was married, but his wife ended up getting my number. But that's another story.

So here I am contemplating things. I know in Lifetime movies or any other drama the other girl is the bad person, but what if she was the other girl to me first?

An Update. An Escape.

From my last post, I would like to say my dad is now stateside and healing from his injury. He had a bad fall and ended up hurting his knee pretty bad. But all is well and I think he will be alright.

In other news, it's spring but still quite cold here in Seattle. I have airline credit to go somewhere. I want to go away just for a weekend. Maybe somewhere warm, somewhere fun and somewhere to just recharge. I just need an escape.

Any ideas??

Stressing Out

If life hadn't thrown me enough drama in the last year, I get this. My dad has been on vacation with a friend for the past week. I find out he had a bad spill and is in the hospital in Mexico. I feel more stressed thinking about what I am going to do. And wishing I took Spanish instead of French.

Life, seriously?!

Hard Candy Shell

Been putting myself out there to meet people. Nothing has panned out. And maybe I need to get a little rejected to harden and get my tough shell again.

I've felt so exposed and vulnerable. I need to get thick-skinned again. Sounds crazy, but it's working. Hopefully I can get back my guarded self.

My therapist thinks being guarded and can be damaging. But it was only when I let my guard down that my ex could get me when I was weak. And I hate myself for that.

Toughin' up girl!!

Just Friends

I hadn't seen him in a a bit. But we still remained "friends" or at least fb friends. But I had a hard time wanting to see him in person. Occasional fb or gmail chats was one thing. But he said is/when I was ready, he would want to start a friendship.

I met E around July of last year. We met off of OK Cupid. He was cute but I didn't know if he and I would click. He is a self proclaimed rockabilly and has a great sense of style. I didn't have a reason not to go out with him, so I did.

We had instant chemistry. He and I had similar interests in music, art and buying things (clothes, electronics, nerdy things). So an afternoon of good food and target was perfect for me. Oh and the sex was good too!

E was there for me when my mom got sick and I went through the drama with my Ex. I remember even giving him an out. I told him that I was going through a lot with my mom having brain cancer. So if he didn't want to see me or just be friends, I wouldn't be offended. I mean, who would want to date or try to get to know someone who is dealing with a dying parent. It's tough. It's life. But it's def hard to deal with. I don't know if the roles were reversed if I would do the same.

But E wanted to be there for me. And it was nice. And maybe he had the hero persona attached to him. I definitely had a lot of things on my mind, but he was able to get me to smile and feel happy. During the summer, he even took me on a spontaneous trip to Vancouver, BC. We went to an art museum, ate at a fancy French restaurant and just let me get away for a weekend. It was nice.

I began to feel safe and comfortable with him. He'd sleep over and I wouldn't want him to leave. But I knew what we had was casual. So knowing he was still dating other girls bothered me. I was in a vulnerable state and wished so much that I could have some stability.

But good things do come to an end. The holidays had passed and a month went by when I hadn't seen E. The texts/chats/hang outs became less frequent. So I could tell something was up. So when I finally saw him, it came out that he was seeing someone new.

Not that it should have bothered me. But it did. It was then I had to realize I liked him more than I thought. I really thought I could do the casual thing and be ok with things, but I couldn't. So I decided I had to break things off. I think it was via gchat but I just told him I couldn't do what we were doing. I didn't want to be just another girl to him. Even if he didn't think that way. I didn't want to feel like just another fuck. So I chose to try and let go.

And so we come to today. It had been a while since I saw E and I ended up agreeing to meet up with him for lunch at his work (there's an awesome cafeteria where he works). I had done this many times before so it was a familiar yet anxious feeling driving to his work on the eastside (east of Seattle).

We met up. We hugged and had lunch. He looked the same, maybe a little more tired. And of course, I looked good. LOL He did say I looked good and complimented my hair, my glasses, my clothes and lips. So I must have been looking good.

Lunch was good and we got to talking about things, about us I guess. I'm not really a fan of re-hashing the past, especially when it regards to feelings and relationships. But he did say sorry for hurting my feelings and sincerely wants to be in my life. I appreciated that and told him so. I mean, it's nice to hear that sometimes. Later he said he still was very attracted to me. And although the sex was very good with him, I don't think I could sleep with him again.

I guess it feels like things have come full circle. Against my friends' and probably my better judgement, I still want him to be in my life. We do have good conversations. He still kept the gifts I made him. So I know he cares, but I have to tread lightly still. Maybe I will try and attempt to be friends with him. I've never been able to be friends with many people I broke things off with. So who knows.

Taking A Study Break

I've thought long and hard about what to do about the blog. I've deleted it and undeleted it, blogger lets you do this.

I'm going to try and not get into the sordid details of my hiatus, but things have been rough. Being in a toxic relationship and the death of my mom has forever changed me. I'm not the same and in all honesty, I don't know if I can ever be the same again. I know it's cliche to say I will take things "one day at a time" but that's what I'm trying to do. I have to.

I remember when I first started this blog, it was a way to vent, to be creative, to have some fun writing about my life. At the time, it was about dating. Dating is fun. People like to read about dating/dates and the occasional mentioning of sex. We live in a hyper-charged sexual society that calls for instant gratification. I fit right in!

I eventually developed a persona and wrote about my exploits as a dater in Seattle. It was fun and I do not regret it for one bit. I was in two magazines and asked to be on a talk show (turned down the talk show offer). And at the height of what you could call "my success" I tried to give it up to be with a guy. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. Even if he thought I wasn't in it whole heartedly, I tried to be. And who is to say if I made the wrong choice now. It's what I chose then and one can't look back on things in the past.

So here I am today, more life experiences than I could have asked for as a Mid 20-Something-er. A lot has happened, as you may know. But I got accepted into grad school. Go me! The day I submitted my application was the day my mom passed away. So it was a welcomed changed when I found out I would be going back to school in January. As far as school, I love it. I'm studying something interesting and up and coming. Maybe I will share later.

School is also a really good distraction from other things. Burying my nose in books and articles and working on projects has consumed my life. I sometimes get really introverted now and don't leave my apartment. I def feel broken at times. I do have a therapist to help deal with my grief and loss. She asked me what makes me happy. I didn't know how to answer that at the time. So she gave me an assignment. I'm to do something that I enjoy doing. And I choose this.

I remembered how much fun I had in writing. Yes, the dates were fun…err sometimes not so much fun. But it was the chance to write and get my thoughts out there that was the appeal. I don't know how else to explain it. But just writing this post, the words have flowed out like riding a bike. And just like taking in a deep breath and letting out a huge sigh, this is what writing this post feels like.

I've missed it.

This is what I chose to do, to write. So I'm here, hoping to take baby steps to keep writing. Please bear with me.

-X