Stumble Upon

With my airline credit burning a hole in my pocket, I've been thinking about where I should go for a trip. The obvious destination is somewhere in California, more specifically the Bay Area or LA. Both places I enjoy, lots to do and I have friends to chill with in either place. However, the Ex also lives in LA. And I don't really want to run into him (what are the odds?). I've been wanting to go to The Getty and some other museums. But I don't know how relaxing it will be if I feel like I'm on the lookout….

So while I was looking on my Google Calendar for possible vacation dates, I stumbled upon an event I had never seen before. I don't use it that much so it was odd to have an event I didn't know about. Or maybe I forgot about it…

It was titled, Wedding.

Was I supposed to go to a wedding? Who's getting married? I really didn't remember putting wedding in the calendar. So I clicked on the event to see what the details were and immediately my throat drop down into my stomach.

My Ex made an event for a wedding. I remember having conversations about the two of us getting married. This was when we had good conversations and weren't fighting. We discussed when and where it would be. At the time, it was exciting to think about it. But now, it just made me feel ill.

I don't know when the event was made or if he even knew it wasn't deleted. But it made me feel uneasy. I thought I had tossed/deleted most of the things concerning him. So I was surprised to see this. It was actually an event invitation.

Will you be attending The Ex and Dater's Wedding?

Yes, No, Maybe?

Ugh. Just thinking about it now bothers me. And makes me a little sad. Whenever I think about him I always have mixed feelings; concern, care, resentment and fear. Feeling this way really does suck. I should be over all of this. But then I get to thinking about what it would have been like if we were still together when my mom got sick. Would things have been different? Would we still be in a toxic relationship? Would we have worked things out? Would he still go crazy and threaten me for something else? All of this because of a stupid event in a calendar. It all makes me anxious and panicky.

I've been given pills to help with this overwhelming anxiety and calm down. Bottoms up.