Just Friends

I hadn't seen him in a a bit. But we still remained "friends" or at least fb friends. But I had a hard time wanting to see him in person. Occasional fb or gmail chats was one thing. But he said is/when I was ready, he would want to start a friendship.

I met E around July of last year. We met off of OK Cupid. He was cute but I didn't know if he and I would click. He is a self proclaimed rockabilly and has a great sense of style. I didn't have a reason not to go out with him, so I did.

We had instant chemistry. He and I had similar interests in music, art and buying things (clothes, electronics, nerdy things). So an afternoon of good food and target was perfect for me. Oh and the sex was good too!

E was there for me when my mom got sick and I went through the drama with my Ex. I remember even giving him an out. I told him that I was going through a lot with my mom having brain cancer. So if he didn't want to see me or just be friends, I wouldn't be offended. I mean, who would want to date or try to get to know someone who is dealing with a dying parent. It's tough. It's life. But it's def hard to deal with. I don't know if the roles were reversed if I would do the same.

But E wanted to be there for me. And it was nice. And maybe he had the hero persona attached to him. I definitely had a lot of things on my mind, but he was able to get me to smile and feel happy. During the summer, he even took me on a spontaneous trip to Vancouver, BC. We went to an art museum, ate at a fancy French restaurant and just let me get away for a weekend. It was nice.

I began to feel safe and comfortable with him. He'd sleep over and I wouldn't want him to leave. But I knew what we had was casual. So knowing he was still dating other girls bothered me. I was in a vulnerable state and wished so much that I could have some stability.

But good things do come to an end. The holidays had passed and a month went by when I hadn't seen E. The texts/chats/hang outs became less frequent. So I could tell something was up. So when I finally saw him, it came out that he was seeing someone new.

Not that it should have bothered me. But it did. It was then I had to realize I liked him more than I thought. I really thought I could do the casual thing and be ok with things, but I couldn't. So I decided I had to break things off. I think it was via gchat but I just told him I couldn't do what we were doing. I didn't want to be just another girl to him. Even if he didn't think that way. I didn't want to feel like just another fuck. So I chose to try and let go.

And so we come to today. It had been a while since I saw E and I ended up agreeing to meet up with him for lunch at his work (there's an awesome cafeteria where he works). I had done this many times before so it was a familiar yet anxious feeling driving to his work on the eastside (east of Seattle).

We met up. We hugged and had lunch. He looked the same, maybe a little more tired. And of course, I looked good. LOL He did say I looked good and complimented my hair, my glasses, my clothes and lips. So I must have been looking good.

Lunch was good and we got to talking about things, about us I guess. I'm not really a fan of re-hashing the past, especially when it regards to feelings and relationships. But he did say sorry for hurting my feelings and sincerely wants to be in my life. I appreciated that and told him so. I mean, it's nice to hear that sometimes. Later he said he still was very attracted to me. And although the sex was very good with him, I don't think I could sleep with him again.

I guess it feels like things have come full circle. Against my friends' and probably my better judgement, I still want him to be in my life. We do have good conversations. He still kept the gifts I made him. So I know he cares, but I have to tread lightly still. Maybe I will try and attempt to be friends with him. I've never been able to be friends with many people I broke things off with. So who knows.