Dark Clouds Looming

Been feeling a bit somber as of late. My grandfather passed away last weekend. So I have been feeling more depressed, tired, restless and down.

I worry for my dad.

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With my airline credit burning a hole in my pocket, I've been thinking about where I should go for a trip. The obvious destination is somewhere in California, more specifically the Bay Area or LA. Both places I enjoy, lots to do and I have friends to chill with in either place. However, the Ex also lives in LA. And I don't really want to run into him (what are the odds?). I've been wanting to go to The Getty and some other museums. But I don't know how relaxing it will be if I feel like I'm on the lookout….

So while I was looking on my Google Calendar for possible vacation dates, I stumbled upon an event I had never seen before. I don't use it that much so it was odd to have an event I didn't know about. Or maybe I forgot about it…

It was titled, Wedding.

Was I supposed to go to a wedding? Who's getting married? I really didn't remember putting wedding in the calendar. So I clicked on the event to see what the details were and immediately my throat drop down into my stomach.

My Ex made an event for a wedding. I remember having conversations about the two of us getting married. This was when we had good conversations and weren't fighting. We discussed when and where it would be. At the time, it was exciting to think about it. But now, it just made me feel ill.

I don't know when the event was made or if he even knew it wasn't deleted. But it made me feel uneasy. I thought I had tossed/deleted most of the things concerning him. So I was surprised to see this. It was actually an event invitation.

Will you be attending The Ex and Dater's Wedding?

Yes, No, Maybe?

Ugh. Just thinking about it now bothers me. And makes me a little sad. Whenever I think about him I always have mixed feelings; concern, care, resentment and fear. Feeling this way really does suck. I should be over all of this. But then I get to thinking about what it would have been like if we were still together when my mom got sick. Would things have been different? Would we still be in a toxic relationship? Would we have worked things out? Would he still go crazy and threaten me for something else? All of this because of a stupid event in a calendar. It all makes me anxious and panicky.

I've been given pills to help with this overwhelming anxiety and calm down. Bottoms up.

The Other Other Girl

I couldn't help it and ended up texting E one night. It was a pretty blunt and to the point.

Let's have sex!

We had agreed to be friends the last time we saw one another. He mentioned how he was still attracted to me and that hadn't changed even if we broke things off. So in my weak state, I knew if I suggested sex he would want to.

And he did.

What followed were texts and IMs filled with sexual innuendos and temptations. I knew it probably wasn't the smartest thing to suggest. But man, I just wanted to get fucked. Don't you ever feel like you just need to have that fulfilled? And it was my logic that I would rather do it with someone I had been involved with before than with a stranger on CL. Granted, it's questionable whether or not I should have suggested this to someone who I had feelings for. But hey, what's done is done.

There's just one thing. When we talked about the possibility to getting together, he mentioned he was dating someone exclusively. It's actually the girl he picked instead of me. So on one hand, I didn't want her to get hurt. But on the other, I wanted to know if E and I had chemistry still. I felt there was something.

So we came over with the premise that I would cook dinner. I actually had a lot of food that was going to go bad. And I have wanting to cook more at home, so it was a win win. And I love cooking for other people.

Dinner was good. He seemed to really enjoy it and complimented me on my coking skills. I put the dishes into the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. Immediately after I sat down next to him, he and I were kissing and groping one another. The chemistry was still there, or at least the lust was. I forgot how much he knew me and what turned me on.

Things quickly moved to the bedroom. All of this was strangely familiar and in the heat of the moment, it felt amazing. The sex was very good, like back arching grabbing the sheets good. And he even wanted to cuddle afterwards.

We continued to talk and his dating status came up. I don't think I expected him to say "I want to be with you and not her" but I did wonder what he was thinking about what had just transpired. I came to the conclusion that he's going to continue seeing her and wants to keep me on the "side."

Now, I am no stranger to being the "other" girl. But I did not know about it going into the situation. I found out after the fact or decided to end things. I even had someone's wife call me once. I had NO idea this guy was married, but his wife ended up getting my number. But that's another story.

So here I am contemplating things. I know in Lifetime movies or any other drama the other girl is the bad person, but what if she was the other girl to me first?

An Update. An Escape.

From my last post, I would like to say my dad is now stateside and healing from his injury. He had a bad fall and ended up hurting his knee pretty bad. But all is well and I think he will be alright.

In other news, it's spring but still quite cold here in Seattle. I have airline credit to go somewhere. I want to go away just for a weekend. Maybe somewhere warm, somewhere fun and somewhere to just recharge. I just need an escape.

Any ideas??

Stressing Out

If life hadn't thrown me enough drama in the last year, I get this. My dad has been on vacation with a friend for the past week. I find out he had a bad spill and is in the hospital in Mexico. I feel more stressed thinking about what I am going to do. And wishing I took Spanish instead of French.

Life, seriously?!