An Explanation

I've given SOOO much thought about what to do about this blog. And I have gone public to private to deleting to undeleting to public to private. The thing is, I don't feel safe writing anymore.

I had written about my mom being sick and passing away in October. It was the most devastating thing in my life and I'm still not functioning all the way. I hurt so much. But there's something else that happened that I didn't write about or rather, I couldn't and was afraid to.

I had written some about my Ex on the blog. We ended things towards the beginning of the summer. During our relationship, he had a keylogger and got into my email and read some not-so innocent chats and emails to a fellow blogger. It basically stated that I wanted him to come to Seattle and fuck me. I admit, it was completely wrong to do that and to lie about it to my Ex. And if I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, I shouldn't have been in one. But my Ex said he was willing to give me another chance and forgive me. But the trust was gone for both of us. He suspected that I had a relationship with said fellow blogger, known at the time to be Benedict Smith (he has another alias now). And he went into my email. But since I believed my fault was worse, I had to let his go for the sake of the relationship.

There's no use reliving the whole relationship past. But I'm simply giving context. The Ex didn't like me blogging and did not want me to have anything to do with Benedict for obvious reasons. And because he didn't trust me led to the demise of us. After things were over, I did reach out to Benedict again. Not for anything sexual, more as a fellow blogger and friend. To this day, he and I have never met in person. *scouts honor* Back in August, I commented on his blog about respecting him for living life as he feels led. I did not think it was a big deal or that my Ex would be following what he was writing or what I was commenting on. But I received an email to my work from my Ex. He threatened to come to Seattle and kill me.

I was terrified.

At the time, I didn't know he read that comment I made on B's blog. But I was scared. Scared to go to work. Scared to drive my car. Scared to go anywhere. This had never happened to me before and I was so shaken up about it. So I filed a protection order and changed my phone number. It was to ensure my safety, my friends and coworkers too. I didn't know what else to do. I just wanted to feel ok again.

For the protection order, a copy of it was sent to my Ex asking him to appear in court in Washington before a commissioner. They would both parties and decide if it should be made permanent or thrown out. I had no idea if he was going to show up.

The day of the hearing was five days after my mom died. And he was there. With a lawyer.

I had no strength to be there, but I knew I had to. I felt so numb and tired but I wanted everything to be over with. I said how I felt. And the Ex's lawyer spoke for him. That's when I learned, it was the comment I made that drove him to send me that email. I had no idea that was the catalyst for the threat. He said he did it out of anger and regretted sending it. But for me, I was terrified all that time. It wasn't ok for me. I'm still not ok. Not with any of it.

After everyone said what was said, the commissioner granted the protection order. She saw reason to have one and I am thankful for that. But I still don't feel safe. I walk to my car on edge. I look behind the shower curtain when I come home. I just feel uneasy. It's a strange and frightening feeling to have.

An so here I am with an explanation. I'm sorry, but I really can't write here anymore. As I write this post, my hands shake and I get nauseous . Is he going to read this, get mad and come here to hurt me or my friends or family? Even if he said he didn't mean it and apologized about it, I feel awful.

I'm not at all the same person and I have no idea how to feel anything. So much has happened and I want to share all of it, yet I don't have the words or strength to open up anymore. I wish I could write more about my life because it was once enjoyable to do it. But I can't. It doesn't feel the same and I just don't have the passion for it. I think I needed to write this for closure in hopes that I can move on. I hope nothing more bad happens.

Take care.
-X