Spidey Senses

Due to my self destructive nature at the recent moment, I have come to the realization that A and I are fizzling out. About three months ago we started dating and hanging out. And things had been going well up till I left for Boston, but when I came back, it was different. And I seem to be blown off more and more. we're not exclusive so he would totally be seeing someone else. But I'd like to at least be told this rather than just be dissed and dismissed.

This could all be in my head, but my spidey senses are tingling.

I slept with E the other night. Immediately I regretted the decision. And it was pretty much my fault. I realize I have no good judgement when I'm around him. I eat shitty food. I make shitty decisions. And he's not a good person. As I write this post, I'm making a disgusted look on my face. I'm actually trying to work on a paper in the library. Hopefully I don't freak anyone out. LOL

But yes, this just adds to my self destructive path I am on right now. And it's weird that I can't seem to make the right decisions to change direction. But the more I analyze myself, the more questionable things I do. It is what it is. I suppose I will have to let it ride out.

In terms of E, I was trying to pretend it didn't exist and that I would just forget that it happened. But while on fn he sends me a message.

"i had fun the other night. i hope it was good"

Le sigh. There was at one point a time when I really liked him, but now just think it's kind of sad and pathetic for him to need the gratification of knowing he was good. When I read it, I just rolled my eyes and became irritated. I hope he doesn't think that this is will be an ongoing thing. In fact, I needed to be straight up and tell him i didn't want to do that again.

The more I have gotten to know E. I have come to realize how insecure he really is. He's one of those guys who needs the attention of multiple women to feel better. And what's worse is he explains it's because his ex-wife cheated on him 7 years ago and he can't be true to one girl. Kinda wish I was told this when he and I were seeing one another. I would have bailed right away. Letting out your insecurities is fine and dandy, but I doubt many people think it's attractive. It's just awkward to hear them. And for me, I don't know what to say. So pretty much I deflect as much as possible. I'm not about to let out mine. It's not a you share, I share moment. I still think confidence is the most attractive quality. Doesn't mean you have to be an asshole, but it does mean you have faith in yourself. So many guys lack this and I find it quite boring.

Self Destruct

I've been on a self destructive binge. Not sure what was the catalyst, but it's become more of a constant thing for the past week or two.... I've tried to semi-explain things to my friends, but no one really seems to understand the feeling.

Been in text as of late with long time blogger, friend and confidant. It seems he's the only person who can fully get it. And perhaps that's what I want. Just for someone to get it. No pressure, no explaining. So for that, I'm grateful.

As for now, I'm about to get ready for a post-holiday party inspired by the classic movie, Party Monster. If you don't know what it is, look it up. And I just realized how fitting this party is with my decisions for the moment. Ha.

Boston Weekend Recap

*Warning: Long post of ramblings

My performance was fun and I even made $20 in donations from the cover. I was a little nervous at first, but got into my groove after a while. It's crazy that I just started writing poetry just a year ago. You readers know I've been writing for years on here. But I don't usually perform what I write here. So being able to perform and share has been fun. And I guess I'm a national poet now? A lot of people came up to me afterward telling me I did a good job. Even this cute Asian (I'm assuming Filipino) guy came up to me. Wish I got his digits or fb. Haha!

Hung out with HELLA friends.

I had a long list of people I wanted to hang out with for my long weekend. A lot of them were people I met at a conference we all attended in Seattle. So it was nice for them to show me around town. And there were other friends who moved out to Boston. But overall, I spent a lot of time with good people. There was lots of shopping (I even thought of A and got him a gift), LOTS of drinking and lots of laughter. What more could I have asked for?

I ended up seeing Boston….. eventually

After he said I couldn't stay with him, I was a little disappointed. But I still hoped that he would want to see me. Since I had a lot of things planned for the weekend, I texted Boston here and there asking what he was up to, or if he wanted to meet up. But he didn't. I got the sense that he was avoiding me which was probably the case. I don't really know why I kept trying to see if he wanted to see me. I just was irked.

On one of the last nights I was in town, I met up with an old coworker who now lives in Boston. We met up at this bar in Brookline. Immediately when I stepped off the train, I recognized the area. I remembered that Boston lived in Brookline, but I didn't remember what the road or intersection he lived at. But once I got off the train, I knew he lived a block away.

I went into the bar to meet my friends. Earlier in the day texted Boston one last time telling him i'd me at such and such bar at this time. He said he might be available but has to go for a run, watch football and clean his apt. Wow. Glad I know his priorities. By the time I got to the bar, he texted me saying he'd stop by for a drink.

As he walked into the door, all the feelings I had for him rushed to my head. I remembered the last time I saw him. And deep down wished it would be the same. But instead, the next few hours were completely awkward. For the most part, I think my friends enjoyed meeting him and talking to him. But I just felt weird. I was thinking about Boston and thinking about A. So I probably seemed distracted.

Later Boston suggested going to his place and/or getting dinner and hanging out. He then said he'd take me back to my hotel so I wouldn't have to spend money on a cab. It was thoughtful, but I was still skeptical at his thoughtfulness. We got to his apt and it was the same as before. Unlike before when we went directly to his bedroom, we spent the evening in his living room. He watched a football game and we ordered food in. And that was it, nothing happened. I don't know if I expected something to happen, but I wouldn't have rejected it.

On the ride back to my hotel, it was kind of an awkward moment (Not like all of the other moments with him were that easy). But I asked him about the girl he was seeing. What she was like, if they had fun together, etc. I probably shouldn't have asked, but I was curious. He then asked about A. Our answers to one another were vague and aloof. Since Boston and I have had feelings for one another and we have awkward sexual tension/chemistry, it's so hard to talk about the people we are dating. What usually happens is either one of us or both of us are dating someone and we don't talk. But then when we become single, we end up talking more.

That's the pattern he and I have. It's dysfunctional and weird. But I just can't seem to let it/him go. As for right now, he's seeing someone and so am I. It is what it is.

Man up, Boston

So I'll be in Boston this weekend. However, I don't know if I will be seeing Boston while I'm there. Turns out he has a new lady in his life. And she would get mad/jealous if I stayed with him. When I called a confirmed that I was able to stay with him, I just got the run around.

"I don't know"

"Maybe"

"Well I'm seeing someone now…."

I just called him out. "If I can't stay with you, say so. I need to know so I can get my shit organized before I leave. Yes or no?"

The answer was more like "Well it's awkward X. I've been seeing this girl and she's kinda jealous…. So I don't know what to do."

"Ok so you're telling me I can't stay with you. Got it."

I totally get that he is considering this girl's feelings, but I just think it's stupid he wasn't just honest about it. I just need to know where I'm going to sleep. AND I wasn't told this until less than a week before I'm supposed to be there. WTF! I ended up splurging and getting a hotel. So I'll be able to do my own thing, but I'm a little irritated that he didn't let me know sooner. And if he didn't want to have sex, I wouldn't have forced him. I'm still respectful. FUCK!

With this slight mishap, I'm not going to let this ruin my trip. I have my weekend plans made including performing at an art show, drinking, singing at a norae bang and seeing some art. Overall, it sounds like an awesome weekend with or without seeing Boston (the guy, not the city).