Stressing Out

If life hadn't thrown me enough drama in the last year, I get this. My dad has been on vacation with a friend for the past week. I find out he had a bad spill and is in the hospital in Mexico. I feel more stressed thinking about what I am going to do. And wishing I took Spanish instead of French.

Life, seriously?!

Hard Candy Shell

Been putting myself out there to meet people. Nothing has panned out. And maybe I need to get a little rejected to harden and get my tough shell again.

I've felt so exposed and vulnerable. I need to get thick-skinned again. Sounds crazy, but it's working. Hopefully I can get back my guarded self.

My therapist thinks being guarded and can be damaging. But it was only when I let my guard down that my ex could get me when I was weak. And I hate myself for that.

Toughin' up girl!!

Just Friends

I hadn't seen him in a a bit. But we still remained "friends" or at least fb friends. But I had a hard time wanting to see him in person. Occasional fb or gmail chats was one thing. But he said is/when I was ready, he would want to start a friendship.

I met E around July of last year. We met off of OK Cupid. He was cute but I didn't know if he and I would click. He is a self proclaimed rockabilly and has a great sense of style. I didn't have a reason not to go out with him, so I did.

We had instant chemistry. He and I had similar interests in music, art and buying things (clothes, electronics, nerdy things). So an afternoon of good food and target was perfect for me. Oh and the sex was good too!

E was there for me when my mom got sick and I went through the drama with my Ex. I remember even giving him an out. I told him that I was going through a lot with my mom having brain cancer. So if he didn't want to see me or just be friends, I wouldn't be offended. I mean, who would want to date or try to get to know someone who is dealing with a dying parent. It's tough. It's life. But it's def hard to deal with. I don't know if the roles were reversed if I would do the same.

But E wanted to be there for me. And it was nice. And maybe he had the hero persona attached to him. I definitely had a lot of things on my mind, but he was able to get me to smile and feel happy. During the summer, he even took me on a spontaneous trip to Vancouver, BC. We went to an art museum, ate at a fancy French restaurant and just let me get away for a weekend. It was nice.

I began to feel safe and comfortable with him. He'd sleep over and I wouldn't want him to leave. But I knew what we had was casual. So knowing he was still dating other girls bothered me. I was in a vulnerable state and wished so much that I could have some stability.

But good things do come to an end. The holidays had passed and a month went by when I hadn't seen E. The texts/chats/hang outs became less frequent. So I could tell something was up. So when I finally saw him, it came out that he was seeing someone new.

Not that it should have bothered me. But it did. It was then I had to realize I liked him more than I thought. I really thought I could do the casual thing and be ok with things, but I couldn't. So I decided I had to break things off. I think it was via gchat but I just told him I couldn't do what we were doing. I didn't want to be just another girl to him. Even if he didn't think that way. I didn't want to feel like just another fuck. So I chose to try and let go.

And so we come to today. It had been a while since I saw E and I ended up agreeing to meet up with him for lunch at his work (there's an awesome cafeteria where he works). I had done this many times before so it was a familiar yet anxious feeling driving to his work on the eastside (east of Seattle).

We met up. We hugged and had lunch. He looked the same, maybe a little more tired. And of course, I looked good. LOL He did say I looked good and complimented my hair, my glasses, my clothes and lips. So I must have been looking good.

Lunch was good and we got to talking about things, about us I guess. I'm not really a fan of re-hashing the past, especially when it regards to feelings and relationships. But he did say sorry for hurting my feelings and sincerely wants to be in my life. I appreciated that and told him so. I mean, it's nice to hear that sometimes. Later he said he still was very attracted to me. And although the sex was very good with him, I don't think I could sleep with him again.

I guess it feels like things have come full circle. Against my friends' and probably my better judgement, I still want him to be in my life. We do have good conversations. He still kept the gifts I made him. So I know he cares, but I have to tread lightly still. Maybe I will try and attempt to be friends with him. I've never been able to be friends with many people I broke things off with. So who knows.

Taking A Study Break

I've thought long and hard about what to do about the blog. I've deleted it and undeleted it, blogger lets you do this.

I'm going to try and not get into the sordid details of my hiatus, but things have been rough. Being in a toxic relationship and the death of my mom has forever changed me. I'm not the same and in all honesty, I don't know if I can ever be the same again. I know it's cliche to say I will take things "one day at a time" but that's what I'm trying to do. I have to.

I remember when I first started this blog, it was a way to vent, to be creative, to have some fun writing about my life. At the time, it was about dating. Dating is fun. People like to read about dating/dates and the occasional mentioning of sex. We live in a hyper-charged sexual society that calls for instant gratification. I fit right in!

I eventually developed a persona and wrote about my exploits as a dater in Seattle. It was fun and I do not regret it for one bit. I was in two magazines and asked to be on a talk show (turned down the talk show offer). And at the height of what you could call "my success" I tried to give it up to be with a guy. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. Even if he thought I wasn't in it whole heartedly, I tried to be. And who is to say if I made the wrong choice now. It's what I chose then and one can't look back on things in the past.

So here I am today, more life experiences than I could have asked for as a Mid 20-Something-er. A lot has happened, as you may know. But I got accepted into grad school. Go me! The day I submitted my application was the day my mom passed away. So it was a welcomed changed when I found out I would be going back to school in January. As far as school, I love it. I'm studying something interesting and up and coming. Maybe I will share later.

School is also a really good distraction from other things. Burying my nose in books and articles and working on projects has consumed my life. I sometimes get really introverted now and don't leave my apartment. I def feel broken at times. I do have a therapist to help deal with my grief and loss. She asked me what makes me happy. I didn't know how to answer that at the time. So she gave me an assignment. I'm to do something that I enjoy doing. And I choose this.

I remembered how much fun I had in writing. Yes, the dates were fun…err sometimes not so much fun. But it was the chance to write and get my thoughts out there that was the appeal. I don't know how else to explain it. But just writing this post, the words have flowed out like riding a bike. And just like taking in a deep breath and letting out a huge sigh, this is what writing this post feels like.

I've missed it.

This is what I chose to do, to write. So I'm here, hoping to take baby steps to keep writing. Please bear with me.

-X

An Explanation

I've given SOOO much thought about what to do about this blog. And I have gone public to private to deleting to undeleting to public to private. The thing is, I don't feel safe writing anymore.

I had written about my mom being sick and passing away in October. It was the most devastating thing in my life and I'm still not functioning all the way. I hurt so much. But there's something else that happened that I didn't write about or rather, I couldn't and was afraid to.

I had written some about my Ex on the blog. We ended things towards the beginning of the summer. During our relationship, he had a keylogger and got into my email and read some not-so innocent chats and emails to a fellow blogger. It basically stated that I wanted him to come to Seattle and fuck me. I admit, it was completely wrong to do that and to lie about it to my Ex. And if I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, I shouldn't have been in one. But my Ex said he was willing to give me another chance and forgive me. But the trust was gone for both of us. He suspected that I had a relationship with said fellow blogger, known at the time to be Benedict Smith (he has another alias now). And he went into my email. But since I believed my fault was worse, I had to let his go for the sake of the relationship.

There's no use reliving the whole relationship past. But I'm simply giving context. The Ex didn't like me blogging and did not want me to have anything to do with Benedict for obvious reasons. And because he didn't trust me led to the demise of us. After things were over, I did reach out to Benedict again. Not for anything sexual, more as a fellow blogger and friend. To this day, he and I have never met in person. *scouts honor* Back in August, I commented on his blog about respecting him for living life as he feels led. I did not think it was a big deal or that my Ex would be following what he was writing or what I was commenting on. But I received an email to my work from my Ex. He threatened to come to Seattle and kill me.

I was terrified.

At the time, I didn't know he read that comment I made on B's blog. But I was scared. Scared to go to work. Scared to drive my car. Scared to go anywhere. This had never happened to me before and I was so shaken up about it. So I filed a protection order and changed my phone number. It was to ensure my safety, my friends and coworkers too. I didn't know what else to do. I just wanted to feel ok again.

For the protection order, a copy of it was sent to my Ex asking him to appear in court in Washington before a commissioner. They would both parties and decide if it should be made permanent or thrown out. I had no idea if he was going to show up.

The day of the hearing was five days after my mom died. And he was there. With a lawyer.

I had no strength to be there, but I knew I had to. I felt so numb and tired but I wanted everything to be over with. I said how I felt. And the Ex's lawyer spoke for him. That's when I learned, it was the comment I made that drove him to send me that email. I had no idea that was the catalyst for the threat. He said he did it out of anger and regretted sending it. But for me, I was terrified all that time. It wasn't ok for me. I'm still not ok. Not with any of it.

After everyone said what was said, the commissioner granted the protection order. She saw reason to have one and I am thankful for that. But I still don't feel safe. I walk to my car on edge. I look behind the shower curtain when I come home. I just feel uneasy. It's a strange and frightening feeling to have.

An so here I am with an explanation. I'm sorry, but I really can't write here anymore. As I write this post, my hands shake and I get nauseous . Is he going to read this, get mad and come here to hurt me or my friends or family? Even if he said he didn't mean it and apologized about it, I feel awful.

I'm not at all the same person and I have no idea how to feel anything. So much has happened and I want to share all of it, yet I don't have the words or strength to open up anymore. I wish I could write more about my life because it was once enjoyable to do it. But I can't. It doesn't feel the same and I just don't have the passion for it. I think I needed to write this for closure in hopes that I can move on. I hope nothing more bad happens.

Take care.
-X